In this article, I'd like to share an email I sent to someone many years ago on the topic of forgiveness. Hopefully what I've written will help you in your journey. If you find any of it helpful, please share it with others. Here's what I wrote...
"I was thinking of you and wanted to share what I've learned about the process of forgiveness. Over the years, this discovery has helped me tremendously—because for a long time I struggled with anger, bitterness, resentment, hostile feelings, and unforgiveness. I spoke these five dialects fluently. But thanks be to my Lord and Savior, He taught me how to forgive and put everything behind me - for good!
"I am sharing this with you because, very often in Christian circles, our brothers and sisters in Christ - even our pastors and priests - will tell us we should forgive others because the Bible teaches it. But rarely do they actually explain HOW to forgive. So, I'd like to share with you what I call 'The Process of Forgiveness.'
"Below is a seven-step process that can help bring forgiveness into your life and begin the healing of your mind, heart, and soul.
Step 1: Pray and Bring Christ Into the Equation. Get on your knees, humble yourself, pray, and bring Christ into the equation. Tell Him you want to completely forgive someone for the things they said or did. Then ask Him to strengthen you through this entire process. Prayer is crucial because forgiving someone can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. To truly heal, you will definitely need Christ's help. (NOTE: You may need to bring fasting into the picture at some point in time [because progress is slow and there may be a spirit involved], but I will talk about this in another article!)
Step 2: Find a Support and Accountability Partner. This should be someone you trust — someone who has always had your back, but who is also positive, uplifting, encouraging, supportive, direct, honest, and emotionally mature.
Step 3: Guard Your Mind. Make every effort NOT to let the bad memories, images and/or videos of the person or the event dwell inside your mind for more than a few seconds. Memories will return from time to time—that's normal. But you are the only person who can choose to NOT to focus on and ruminate over them. Of course, this will not be easy, but with consistent effort you can become stronger! Remember: Everything begins in the mind! What we dwell on for extended periods of time often turns into an emotion. Emotions can sometimes lead to actions. Actions can become habits over time. And habits are what shape our lives. Many people live in negativity simply because they've never learned to discipline their mind and thoughts. That's why the Bible warns us to guard our mind:
• “More than anything you guard, protect your mind, for life flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)
• “…Whatever is true, whatever is honorable…whatever is lovely…if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
• “Let God's Spirit make you think in a new way…Take up the new nature…Then you will live in a truly good way that pleases God.” (Ephesians 4:23-24)
Step 4: Control Your Tongue. Stop talking about the event or the offender in a negative way. This is hard! We often want to vent, but every time we retell the story, we reinforce our negative thoughts and feelings of frustration and irritation. This step really matters because the words we speak are supposed to teach, encourage, uplift and glorify God. Our tongue carries within it the power of life and death. Think about the joy of uplifting someone with your words — and the regret that comes when we tear others down. By disciplining your tongue, you'll speed up your own healing.
Step 5: Speak Well of the Offender. Make efforts to say kind, encouraging, or uplifting things about—or to—the person. Sometimes it's not possible to say it to them, but you can always choose to say something positive ABOUT them. This is difficult at first, but it becomes easier with time. Doing this brings dignity and respect into the other person's life—or memory—and it shows maturity in Christ.
Step 6: Do Something Good for the Offender. If possible, do something kind and generous for them. If direct contact isn't possible, you can still take action—such as writing a heartfelt letter. If the person has passed away or you can't deliver it, you can burn the letter afterward as an act of release. This is a hard step because it requires letting go of pain. For many, pain has become familiar — like a false source of power. But clinging to pain holds us back. Only letting go of it sets us free.
Step 7: Reconcile with the offender, if possible. Sometimes reconciliation isn't possible, sometimes it's not desired, and sometimes it isn't even wise. But the final goal of forgiveness is for us, the offended, to extend the same grace God has given us to the offender. Our Lord has forgiven us for numerous sins (of commission and omission). Surely, we can make the effort to release the wrongdoings or wrong-sayings of one person. Whether reconciliation happens or not, making the effort is what matters to our Lord - because your eternity depends upon it! People who NEVER forgive will never be forgiven themselves!
IMPORTANT: Some people will read steps four, five, six, and seven, and immediately dismiss the entire process because they “FEEL” they can't do those steps (or because they don't honestly want to forgive). Forgiveness is a process that begins with step one and (at a low level) ends at step four. The highest level of forgiveness completes step seven - and enjoys the freedom of not being held down by the thoughts and feelings of what the offended experienced several years before. They hold their head high because God has done a great work in their mind and heart (i.e., thoughts and feelings)! So, don't let your feelings keep you from starting. Start today if you are struggling.
How Long Does This Process Take? The answer... It depends! It depends on the person (the one betrayed), the type and severity of the offense, and how long the offense has been held onto. It also depends on the willingness of the offended person to humble themselves, seek Christ's help, and go through the process listed above and then evaluate their progress. Some have been able to forgive in less than a week through prayer and fasting. For others, it took longer. What matters most are the offenders willingness, effort, and dedication to obtaining forgiveness within their heart.
If you have questions or comments, email me here.
In His Name,
Roy