In this article, I'd like to share an email I sent to someone many years ago on the topic of forgiveness. Hopefully what I've written will help you in your journey. If you find any of it helpful, please share it with others. Here's what I wrote...

I was thinking of you and wanted to share what I’ve learned about the process of forgiveness. Over the years, this has helped me tremendously—because for a long time I struggled with anger, bitterness, resentment, hostile feelings, and unforgiveness.

I’m sharing this because, very often in Christian circles, our brothers and sisters in Christ tell us we should forgive others because the Bible teaches it. But rarely do they explain how to forgive. So, I’d like to share with you what I call “The Process of Forgiveness.” 😇

Below is a seven-step process that can help bring forgiveness into your life and begin healing your mind, heart, and soul.

Step 1: Pray and Bring Christ Into the Equation

Get on your knees, pray and bring Christ into the equation. Tell Him you want to completely forgive someone for the things they said or did. Then ask Him to strengthen you through the process.

Prayer is crucial because forgiving someone can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. To truly heal, you will need Christ’s help.

Step 2: Find a Support and Accountability Partner

This should be someone you trust—someone who has your back, but who is also positive, uplifting, encouraging, supportive, direct, and honest.

This can actually be one of the easier steps in the process.

Step 3: Guard Your Mind

Make every effort not to let bad thoughts or images of the person or the event dwell in your mind for more than a few seconds. Memories will return from time to time—that’s normal. But you can choose not to let them stay.

Everything begins in the mind. What we dwell on turns into emotions. Emotions lead to actions. Actions become habits. Habits shape our lifestyle. Many people live in negativity simply because they never learned to discipline their thoughts. That’s why the Bible warns us to guard our minds:

- “More than anything you guard, protect your mind, for life flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

- “…Whatever is true, whatever is honorable…whatever is lovely…if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

- “Let God’s Spirit make you think in a new way…Take up the new nature…Then you will live in a truly good way that pleases God.” (Ephesians 4:23–24)

Step 4: Control Your Tongue

Stop talking negatively about the event or the offender. This is hard! We often want to vent, but every time we retell the story, we reinforce our bitterness.

This matters because the words we speak are supposed to teach, encourage, and glorify God. Our tongue carries the power of life and death. Think about the joy of uplifting someone with your words—and the regret that comes when we tear others down. By disciplining your tongue, you’ll speed up your own healing.

Step 5: Speak Well of the Person

Make efforts to say something kind, encouraging, or uplifting about—or to—the person. Sometimes it’s not possible to say it to them, but you can always choose to say something positive about them.

This is difficult at first, but it grows easier with time. Doing this brings dignity and respect into the other person’s life—or memory—and it shows maturity in Christ.

Important reminder:Some people read steps four, five, or six and immediately dismiss the process because they “feel” they can’t do those steps. But forgiveness is a process that begins with step one—not with the hardest steps later on. Don’t let your feelings keep you from starting.

Step 6: Do Something Good for the Person

If possible, do something kind for them. If direct contact isn’t possible, you can still take action—such as writing a heartfelt letter. If the person has passed away or you can’t deliver it, you can burn the letter afterward as an act of release.

This is often the hardest step because it requires letting go of pain. For many, the pain has become familiar—even a false source of power. But clinging to pain only holds us back. Letting go sets us free. 😢

Step 7: Reconcile, If Possible

Sometimes reconciliation isn’t possible, and sometimes it isn’t even wise. But the final goal of forgiveness is to extend the same grace God has given us. He forgave us of countless sins. Surely, we can make an effort to release the wrongs of one person.

Whether reconciliation happens or not, making the effort is what matters.

How Long Does This Process Take?

The answer.......It depends!

- It depends on the person (the one betrayed).
- It depends on the offense.
- It depends on how long the offense has been held onto.
- It depends on the willingness of the offended to humble themselves, seek Christ’s help, and walk through the process.

Some have been able to forgive in less than a week through prayer and fasting. For others, it takes longer. What matters most is your willingness, your effort, and your progress over time.

If you have questions or comments, email me here.